Have you ever played a game of telephone, where you whisper something down the line, and it comes out horribly wrong? Can you see why communication is important? Especially in relationships?
Have you ever heard a foreign language and felt so lost?
Communication is important to be truly understood.
I chose to become a missionary for my church. And when I received my calling, I was assigned to teach the Gospel to people in Swedish. Now I don't know if many of you know this, but in Sweden, they start to learn English at a very young age! about 3rd/4th grade. Needless to say most of the Swedes, spoke better English than I spoke Swedish, even by the end of my 18 months.
But alas, I was called to teach them in their own language so they could truly understand.
If you have learned a second language you know that you can begin to understand it very well, but still it might not ring as true as your native tongue.
One thing Brother Williams brought up this week that I really liked was, maybe we each have our own "love language". And no, not like the 5 Love Languages book. But Maybe we need to seek to understand what helps our spouses truly understand, even if it is different than what works best for us.
During communication their is a process everything we say goes through.
The original idea is said, encoded, delivered, received, and then must be decoded. During the delivery process certain types of media, such as tone, and body language can be misunderstood therefore being incorrectly decoded. Have you ever gotten a text that was horribly misunderstood? haha
The idea is to deliver things in their true meaning But this is difficult. here is something that could help you consider how to communicate better. I know it helped me.
Communicate not only in a way to be understood, but in a way that you cannot be misunderstood.
Saturday, November 22, 2014
9-1-1!
When you think of Crisis what comes to mind?
This week we discussed how Crisis is not just a dangerous, threatening event. But crisis really is opportunities. Trials are not just something we must bear, but the are chances to learn.
Many of us have noticed that even if different people experience the same crisis, they come out on top differently. How is this? check out this equation.
Actual Event
Behavioral Responses
+ Cognitions (how you define the crisis)
total eXperience
According to this equation, the determining factors in how we come out of something are, how we react, and how we define a "problem". I believe that we do choose how our circumstances affect us. Simply put our attitudes can make a world of difference in the ride of life. Do you think it's poosible to look at "problems" as events or opportunities instead?
We often speak of "coping mechanisms". Brother Williams said something that changed my entire outlook on the theory of crisis.
Coping means: Minute changes in direction (made early on) so things fit better latter on.
The little things we do now really can change our future. The tinniest minute things can adjust our course.
As a pilot President Uchtedorf from The First Presidency of The Church knows that each degree matters when flying a plane to a specific destination. The slightest change in degree can alter your course immensely. He tell us that this also applies to life.:
"The difference between happiness and misery often comes to an error of only a few degrees."
Cool to think that we can prepare now to come out on top in the future!
This week we discussed how Crisis is not just a dangerous, threatening event. But crisis really is opportunities. Trials are not just something we must bear, but the are chances to learn.
Many of us have noticed that even if different people experience the same crisis, they come out on top differently. How is this? check out this equation.
Actual Event
Behavioral Responses
+ Cognitions (how you define the crisis)
total eXperience
According to this equation, the determining factors in how we come out of something are, how we react, and how we define a "problem". I believe that we do choose how our circumstances affect us. Simply put our attitudes can make a world of difference in the ride of life. Do you think it's poosible to look at "problems" as events or opportunities instead?
We often speak of "coping mechanisms". Brother Williams said something that changed my entire outlook on the theory of crisis.
Coping means: Minute changes in direction (made early on) so things fit better latter on.
The little things we do now really can change our future. The tinniest minute things can adjust our course.
As a pilot President Uchtedorf from The First Presidency of The Church knows that each degree matters when flying a plane to a specific destination. The slightest change in degree can alter your course immensely. He tell us that this also applies to life.:
"The difference between happiness and misery often comes to an error of only a few degrees."
Cool to think that we can prepare now to come out on top in the future!
Love
Love. A word that can mean many different things.
As I lived in Sweden for 18 months I realized each culture uses love differently.
I found it hard to express the difference when I liked something and when I REALLY liked something. In American I was able to say "I liked that!" or "OMG I LOVE THAT!"
Take Greek for instance. In the Greek language they have four different uses of the word love.
Storge: Describes the love of that between a parent and child.
Phillia: The love shared by friendship.
Eros: Love between a man and a woman.
Agape: Acting on the well being of someone else. (Charity or pure love of Christ)
While discussing this in class our instructor asked us: "Which definition of love is THEE most important in marriage?"
As you might consider also, this is hard to answer! We decided you need all of them! It is a combination of all of these. Storge, being one they can rely and depend on to feel secure. Phillia, everyone hopes to marry their best friend. Eros, passion, excitement, all of those feelings they stir up in you. The butterflies, the physical and emotional attraction and nearness to them. Agape, putting them before yourself, in every aspect.
The need for love is in all of us. It is literally in us. It is beautiful! I really do believe that all of these are included in true love.
While preparing for marriage, be open with your partner about this. Communication REALLY is key. Have your parents told you that? What does good communication look like?
-Plan for future conflicts together. (readiness)
-Discuss agreements and disagreements.
-Feel comfortable talking about everything! Nothing should be awkward when you have good communication.
-Compromise is good, consensus is best.
-Talk about your dreams and hopes and desires for the future.
-Listen, and HEAR each other. Each party should be equal participates in both talking and listening.
Love is many things, it is true happiness, and it is not a race. Enjoy the ride!
A Recipe for Eternity
Have you ever said "That is SUCH a guy move!" or "It's a girl thing."
What makes us think or say that? Is it just how we are made?
Studies actually do show that we are biologically different. But these differences can be the ingredients to a successful relationship.
In my own relationships I have come to experience differences in males and females, as we all have. And I am thankful for them! When we embrace those differences, and use them to their potential, we can learn so much! Of course there are also difference between each individual, this is divine. Because of individual differences it is difficult, and sometimes stereotypical to pin point gender differences. But we are different.
There is something beautiful about God's plan, and his intention of having men and women work together. From the foundation of the world he set the pattern of marriage between a man and woman. God is wisdom. Have you ever stopped to wonder at the wisdom behind gender differences?
As I have studied Gender differences this week I have come to feel a sense of balance and amazement. Our gender differences truly bring us full circle. The lessons I have learned from both the strong men and strong women in my life, has given me a completeness I feel very strongly.
Here is a video simply with interesting biological facts. However I hope we can appreciate and contemplate some deeper meaning in gender differences. God created each of us. He created the different genders, and each individual. This was not an accident.
Enjoy!
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Dating 2.0
There is something about the world, everything is constantly in "upgrade mode" a pattern, just like every time a new iPhone comes out, and you HAVE to have it. The world loves to redefine things.
The world even tries to redefine marriage. This has had many ripple effects on our cultural habits.
Because Marriage is being redefined, so is dating... shocker! Makes sense though right? Today we analyzed some cool things about dating.
So many people say dating is dead. Now a days everyone is just hanging out. I am like this, I love just chillin and flying by the seat of my pants. Is just hanging out bad? What is the difference between just hanging out and actually dating? Do you care? How is dating being redefined and how does it effect your dating experience?
Here are some really good SHORT articles. I wouldn't put them on here if they weren't worth reading! Read em!
Hanging Out Hooking up and Celestial Marriage by Bruce A. Chadwick
Here are Brother Williams 3 P's of dating
Planned: Planned ahead of time. (Not EVERY single time, we all love spontaneity, but more than not)
Paid for: Doesn't have to cost a lot of money, but costs are taken care of
Paired off: You know who you are with, and they are your focus for that time.
Now here's a cool connection...In The Family Proclamation to the World, it states the roles of a husband are to...
Provide
Preside
Protect
What correlation can you see between each set of the three P's?
We have a natural need to feel taken care of, safe, and wanted. During exclusive dating, it is important to feel reaffirmed in these areas. It is good to see your special someone in all types of situations, good and bad, over a period of time. You learn things about someone when you see how they react to a variety of circumstances. Although no one is perfect, you learn how to handle things together. If you feel alone, or like you are carrying the bulk of the relationship... time for readjustment my friend. Remember, it shouldn't even just be 50/50. You should both be putting in 100%.
Here's another common controversy. If it's important not to pair off in an exclusive relationship too early, why do we label people as "players" when they take lots of people out at the same time? This brings us to the law of "Attachment" There are 5 axis in attachment.
Know Trust Rely Commit Touch
There needs to be a balance on all of these axis. From what I've seen in relationships, once they rely on one person to be who they spend all their time with, the level of commitment goes up. Or if your have a lot of physical contact with someone, you feel more attached, but maybe you are not committed to each other. So if you are focusing on the physical part of the relationship, yet you are lacking in commitment, the trust and reliance then run low, this can lead to a rocky road!
Don't feel like a player if you want to take lots of people out to find who is right for you! But build up the important things first. Find people who catch your attention and have fun getting to know them. Attractiveness only lasts a few weeks after you find out you don't have anything in common, or you can't stand their personality. If you don't want to commit to one relationship, don't go on dates and make out and drop people. As T-swift says "Players gonna play play play play play, and haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate." Don't give the haters a reason to hate! Date right.
When you find someone who you want to be with, use the three T's.
Togetherness ( have a variety of activities)
Talk (REALLY TALK)
Time
What does Love mean? There are different levels and definitions of love. To me love is when you put someone else before yourself, because making them happy makes you happy. One of my close friends told me this when I asked him how he knew he wanted to marry his girl. "I always wanted to be with her, and if I wasn't with her I wouldn't to be doing something for her." There ya have it folks, true, selfless love.
I would love to hear thoughts, and theories if you don't agree with some of this!
If you don't want to post on the blog for the public, messaging me works great too.:)
Here are some really good SHORT articles. I wouldn't put them on here if they weren't worth reading! Read em!
Hanging Out Hooking up and Celestial Marriage by Bruce A. Chadwick
Here are Brother Williams 3 P's of dating
Planned: Planned ahead of time. (Not EVERY single time, we all love spontaneity, but more than not)
Paid for: Doesn't have to cost a lot of money, but costs are taken care of
Paired off: You know who you are with, and they are your focus for that time.
Now here's a cool connection...In The Family Proclamation to the World, it states the roles of a husband are to...
Provide
Preside
Protect
What correlation can you see between each set of the three P's?
We have a natural need to feel taken care of, safe, and wanted. During exclusive dating, it is important to feel reaffirmed in these areas. It is good to see your special someone in all types of situations, good and bad, over a period of time. You learn things about someone when you see how they react to a variety of circumstances. Although no one is perfect, you learn how to handle things together. If you feel alone, or like you are carrying the bulk of the relationship... time for readjustment my friend. Remember, it shouldn't even just be 50/50. You should both be putting in 100%.
Here's another common controversy. If it's important not to pair off in an exclusive relationship too early, why do we label people as "players" when they take lots of people out at the same time? This brings us to the law of "Attachment" There are 5 axis in attachment.
Know Trust Rely Commit Touch
There needs to be a balance on all of these axis. From what I've seen in relationships, once they rely on one person to be who they spend all their time with, the level of commitment goes up. Or if your have a lot of physical contact with someone, you feel more attached, but maybe you are not committed to each other. So if you are focusing on the physical part of the relationship, yet you are lacking in commitment, the trust and reliance then run low, this can lead to a rocky road!
Don't feel like a player if you want to take lots of people out to find who is right for you! But build up the important things first. Find people who catch your attention and have fun getting to know them. Attractiveness only lasts a few weeks after you find out you don't have anything in common, or you can't stand their personality. If you don't want to commit to one relationship, don't go on dates and make out and drop people. As T-swift says "Players gonna play play play play play, and haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate." Don't give the haters a reason to hate! Date right.
When you find someone who you want to be with, use the three T's.
Togetherness ( have a variety of activities)
Talk (REALLY TALK)
Time
What does Love mean? There are different levels and definitions of love. To me love is when you put someone else before yourself, because making them happy makes you happy. One of my close friends told me this when I asked him how he knew he wanted to marry his girl. "I always wanted to be with her, and if I wasn't with her I wouldn't to be doing something for her." There ya have it folks, true, selfless love.
I would love to hear thoughts, and theories if you don't agree with some of this!
If you don't want to post on the blog for the public, messaging me works great too.:)
Friday, October 10, 2014
For generations to come.
This week we discussed how sometimes family units tend to have certain patterns or trends?
Does your family have something that has been around for generations? Has your family always had a dog? Has the oldest sibling always had the most responsibility? Are the fathers work aholics?
The interesting thing about family patterns is that they tend to stick around 3-4 generations.
Now I don't think we can make strong generalizations about patterns. Patterns are not forced upon us. We see both good and bad, and we choose to continue or end behaviors.The family unit shapes us and prepares us for many things to come.
I'm a big believer that we are creatures who learn from both first and secondhand experience.
Sometimes If an older sibling makes certain lifestyle choices that are "wrong" parents can then overcorrect to make up the difference. They do everything in their power to avoid those outcomes for their other children. When hello, those children got to see the consequences very closely. They watched their older siblings go through something impactful. In most situations I think this automatically leads them to try to stop and think, and avoid going down the exact same road. Sometimes it is tricky, knowing that the younger generations idolize older people's behaviors. And sometimes it has a negative impact. Unfortunately some people don't understand something until they go through it firsthand. Experience. This is called: Life. It is how we learn, change, and grow.
Whatever the "traditions of our fathers" are, we must remember the power of the individual. Most of the time we don't get to see the immediate effects of our efforts. But given time, generations will be effected by the choices we make now. You ARE making a difference.
"The past is to be learned from, but not lived in."- Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
Does your family have something that has been around for generations? Has your family always had a dog? Has the oldest sibling always had the most responsibility? Are the fathers work aholics?
What effects do these patterns have in your life?
The interesting thing about family patterns is that they tend to stick around 3-4 generations.
Now I don't think we can make strong generalizations about patterns. Patterns are not forced upon us. We see both good and bad, and we choose to continue or end behaviors.The family unit shapes us and prepares us for many things to come.
I'm a big believer that we are creatures who learn from both first and secondhand experience.
Sometimes If an older sibling makes certain lifestyle choices that are "wrong" parents can then overcorrect to make up the difference. They do everything in their power to avoid those outcomes for their other children. When hello, those children got to see the consequences very closely. They watched their older siblings go through something impactful. In most situations I think this automatically leads them to try to stop and think, and avoid going down the exact same road. Sometimes it is tricky, knowing that the younger generations idolize older people's behaviors. And sometimes it has a negative impact. Unfortunately some people don't understand something until they go through it firsthand. Experience. This is called: Life. It is how we learn, change, and grow.
Whatever the "traditions of our fathers" are, we must remember the power of the individual. Most of the time we don't get to see the immediate effects of our efforts. But given time, generations will be effected by the choices we make now. You ARE making a difference.
"The past is to be learned from, but not lived in."- Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
Monday, September 29, 2014
Myths
How many of us have heard that 50% or half or marriages end in divorce? How many times have we heard that? Personally I have heard it at least 10-20 times. Have you ever wondered where that statistic comes from? Brother Williams shared with us that research actually shows that 25% of marriages end in divorce...
Today in Family Relations we discussed some really interesting myths about the family.
Common myths:
-Opposites attract.
When it comes down to it. We are more successful with people with a similar backgrounds and values/goals. Of course we are each different, but usually opposites that are extreme which attract us at first, are the things we struggle with after marriage.
-Having children Increases Marital Satisfaction.
While having a child is incredibly fulfilling, it requires new energy and time. Having a child, for most means stretching the financial belt and can cause worry. The energy and time you were able to put on your relationship is now focused on your child instead of each other. Now, having a child is amazing, can and does increase happiness for a successful couple. But many couples who are struggling think that having a baby will solve their problems. This is the side of the myth.
-Happily Married People don't have conflict.
This one is pretty obvious right? This is why communication and problem solving come in handy. It is impossible to dodge or avoid conflict altogether. But those who can work through them together are happy:)
(This next myth is not from my family relations class, but I think it's a good one)
-A relationship is 50/50
One of my mission Dads always told me "This is the wrong way to think about it If each of you is only willing to give 50% what happens when one of you is struggling and can't make up your part? You have to each be willing to go 100% so that when one of you is struggling, the other one is there."
So what are your thoughts about these myths? Do you think they are true? False?
Today in Family Relations we discussed some really interesting myths about the family.
Common myths:
-Opposites attract.
When it comes down to it. We are more successful with people with a similar backgrounds and values/goals. Of course we are each different, but usually opposites that are extreme which attract us at first, are the things we struggle with after marriage.
-Having children Increases Marital Satisfaction.
While having a child is incredibly fulfilling, it requires new energy and time. Having a child, for most means stretching the financial belt and can cause worry. The energy and time you were able to put on your relationship is now focused on your child instead of each other. Now, having a child is amazing, can and does increase happiness for a successful couple. But many couples who are struggling think that having a baby will solve their problems. This is the side of the myth.
-Happily Married People don't have conflict.
This one is pretty obvious right? This is why communication and problem solving come in handy. It is impossible to dodge or avoid conflict altogether. But those who can work through them together are happy:)
(This next myth is not from my family relations class, but I think it's a good one)
-A relationship is 50/50
One of my mission Dads always told me "This is the wrong way to think about it If each of you is only willing to give 50% what happens when one of you is struggling and can't make up your part? You have to each be willing to go 100% so that when one of you is struggling, the other one is there."
So what are your thoughts about these myths? Do you think they are true? False?
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