The Baggage of Divorce

This week we discussed the effects of divorce.

What kept coming on my mind was the effect it must have on the children. Yes, Mom and Dad are unhappy, but all of the sudden the child's life is molded around their parent's problems. Their soccer games, play dates, school work, hobbies are not determined by circumstances of divorce, whether they are at mom or dad's, etc.  Since the baggage of divorce is pretty heavy their problems are too small to be handled too seriously.

Man it is tough on everyone. Even when you are struggling making decisions as a couple because you have different opinions, after the divorce you are still making most big decisions about your children together. So now you are no longer married, but still making these decisions together.

If I could share one thing I thought was important, it was that the parents allow their children to say and feel however they are feeling. Don't try to win them over and be the favorite parent, don't allow their decisions between you to become a competition. I will try to give some good and bad comparisons.

Child says:
"I miss my old friends!"
Avoid saying: "Well we don't live there anymore you'll just have to forget it and make new friends."
Try to say something like: "I totally understand that you miss your friends, they were really fun and you were really close. We will do something fun and invite the kids here over and see who you would like to hang out with here."

Child says:
"Frank is not my Dad!"
Avoid saying: "Why would you say that!? Frank has done so much for you!"
Try to say something like: "I know he is not your Father, this must be a big change for you, but we are trying to make this work, what could we do to help you feel more comfortable?"


I think this is vital! Sadly I see a lot of adults push their kid's feelings to the side! But just like we need to communicate and allow others to express their side of a conflict, we need to listen to children and acknowledge what they are feeling in order to address their true need, what lies beneath the surface. Even if their initial feelings are irrational, frustrating, or not what you want to hear, it is HOW THEY FEEL! they can't change that. So let them feel, be there, get to the heart of it and love them.