That's a Wrap

Well folks the semester is over! Sadly I will miss this class a lot!

But I hope to continue writing my research and findins on the family! I believe gaining what knowledge I can before then will help me prepare to get married and have children!

This has been so beneficial for me, and I hope that it can help you as well!

I'm grateful for the opportunity I had to learn from Brother Williams, HOLY MOLY! This was a powerful class. I hope if you can you can take from him sometime, and I'm not just saying this to get brownie points. Seriously awesome.

Keep checking!

Merry Christmas! 

The Baggage of Divorce

This week we discussed the effects of divorce.

What kept coming on my mind was the effect it must have on the children. Yes, Mom and Dad are unhappy, but all of the sudden the child's life is molded around their parent's problems. Their soccer games, play dates, school work, hobbies are not determined by circumstances of divorce, whether they are at mom or dad's, etc.  Since the baggage of divorce is pretty heavy their problems are too small to be handled too seriously.

Man it is tough on everyone. Even when you are struggling making decisions as a couple because you have different opinions, after the divorce you are still making most big decisions about your children together. So now you are no longer married, but still making these decisions together.

If I could share one thing I thought was important, it was that the parents allow their children to say and feel however they are feeling. Don't try to win them over and be the favorite parent, don't allow their decisions between you to become a competition. I will try to give some good and bad comparisons.

Child says:
"I miss my old friends!"
Avoid saying: "Well we don't live there anymore you'll just have to forget it and make new friends."
Try to say something like: "I totally understand that you miss your friends, they were really fun and you were really close. We will do something fun and invite the kids here over and see who you would like to hang out with here."

Child says:
"Frank is not my Dad!"
Avoid saying: "Why would you say that!? Frank has done so much for you!"
Try to say something like: "I know he is not your Father, this must be a big change for you, but we are trying to make this work, what could we do to help you feel more comfortable?"


I think this is vital! Sadly I see a lot of adults push their kid's feelings to the side! But just like we need to communicate and allow others to express their side of a conflict, we need to listen to children and acknowledge what they are feeling in order to address their true need, what lies beneath the surface. Even if their initial feelings are irrational, frustrating, or not what you want to hear, it is HOW THEY FEEL! they can't change that. So let them feel, be there, get to the heart of it and love them.

Daddy Day Care

To learn more about Fatherhood we were assigned to write a paper on an article we found about Fatherhood. I really LOVED this article so I just want to put it here for you to read and my favorite points.

Article: Fathers connecting with their children.

1: Quality vs Quantity. Studies show that HOW much time a father spends with his children is not as influential as HOW or WHAT they use that time for. 15 minutes of high interactive activity is better for a child than hours of being in the same room but not being "together".

2. Consistency. A Father's support and love should be unconditional. If it comes and goes, his child may emotionally vulnerable or unsafe at times.

 3. Improved self control and sense of capability and confidence.     

 4. Promote self reliance but provide back up support.
5. Teach by example. Living what you believe, and expect for your children is the best lecture to give.

Law and Order

Today we got on the topic of how to handle a battle between your children. Brother Williams said something divine!

 "Don't be the judge or jury in your children's fights" 

When confrontation arises, don't think so much about who is responsible, who's fault it is, or who caused it, but who is affected by the problem.

As much as it is natural to jump in, take sides, and say who is in the wrong, it is so much better to step back, just be present, and allow them to handle the situation. 

Simple prompts can help them along in the handling process, but let them take the lead. 

Rules about rules:

When making "house rules" consider the following: Less is more. Make a few important and specific rules. 

When confronting conflict send i-Messages. no...not from you iPhone. An iMessage is something like this.

"I feel ________ because __________. I would like _________" 

These messages get across more effectively. 

Telephone

Have you ever played a game of telephone, where you whisper something down the line, and it comes out horribly wrong? Can you see why communication is important? Especially in relationships?

Have you ever heard a foreign language and felt so lost?

Communication is important to be truly understood.

I chose to become a missionary for my church. And when I received my calling, I was assigned to teach the Gospel to people in Swedish. Now I don't know if many of you know this, but in Sweden, they start to learn English at a very young age! about 3rd/4th grade. Needless to say most of the Swedes, spoke better English than I spoke Swedish, even by the end of my 18 months.
But alas, I was called to teach them in their own language so they could truly understand.

If you have learned a second language you know that you can begin to understand it very well, but still it might not ring as true as your native tongue.

One thing Brother Williams brought up this week that I really liked was, maybe we each have our own "love language". And no, not like the 5 Love Languages book. But Maybe we need to seek to understand what helps our spouses truly understand, even if it is different than what works best for us.

During communication their is a process everything we say goes through.

The original idea is said, encoded, delivered, received, and then must be decoded. During the delivery process certain types of media, such as tone, and body language can be misunderstood therefore being incorrectly decoded. Have you ever gotten a text that was horribly misunderstood? haha

The idea is to deliver things in their true meaning But this is difficult. here is something that could help you consider how to communicate better. I know it helped me.

Communicate not only in a way to be understood, but in a way that you cannot be misunderstood.

9-1-1!

When you think of Crisis what comes to mind?

This week we discussed how Crisis is not just a dangerous, threatening event. But crisis really is opportunities. Trials are not just something we must bear, but the are chances to learn.

Many of us have noticed that even if different people experience the same crisis, they come out on top differently. How is this? check out this equation.

         Actual Event
         Behavioral Responses
+       Cognitions (how you define the crisis)
total eXperience

According to this equation, the determining factors in how we come out of something are, how we react, and how we define a "problem". I believe that we do choose how our circumstances affect us. Simply put our attitudes can make a world of difference in the ride of life. Do you think it's poosible to look at "problems" as events or opportunities instead?

We often speak of "coping mechanisms". Brother Williams said something that changed my entire outlook on the theory of crisis.
Coping means: Minute changes in direction (made early on) so things fit better latter on.
The little things we do now really can change our future. The tinniest minute things can adjust our course.

As a pilot President Uchtedorf from The First Presidency of The Church knows that each degree matters when flying a plane to a specific destination. The slightest change in degree can alter your course immensely. He tell us that this also applies to life.:
"The difference between happiness and misery often comes to an error of only a few degrees."

Cool to think that we can prepare now to come out on top in the future!

Love

Love. A word that can mean many different things.

As I lived in Sweden for 18 months I realized each culture uses love differently. 

I found it hard to express the difference when I liked something and when I REALLY liked something. In American I was able to say "I liked that!" or "OMG I LOVE THAT!" 

Take Greek for instance. In the Greek language they have four different uses of the word love. 

Storge: Describes the love of that between a parent and child. 

Phillia: The love shared by friendship.

Eros: Love between a man and a woman. 

Agape: Acting on the well being of someone else. (Charity or pure love of Christ)

While discussing this in class our instructor asked us: "Which definition of love is THEE most important in marriage?"

As you might consider also, this is hard to answer! We decided you need all of them! It is a combination of all of these. Storge, being one they can rely and depend on to feel secure. Phillia, everyone hopes to marry their best friend. Eros, passion, excitement, all of those feelings they stir up in you. The butterflies, the physical and emotional attraction and nearness to them. Agape, putting them before yourself, in every aspect. 

The need for love is in all of us. It is literally in us. It is beautiful! I really do believe that all of these are included in true love. 

While preparing for marriage, be open with your partner about this. Communication REALLY is key. Have your parents told you that? What does good communication look like?

-Plan for future conflicts together. (readiness)

-Discuss agreements and disagreements. 

-Feel comfortable talking about everything! Nothing should be awkward when you have good communication. 

-Compromise is good, consensus is best. 

-Talk about your dreams and hopes and desires for the future. 

-Listen, and HEAR each other. Each party should be equal participates in both talking and listening.

Love is many things, it is true happiness, and it is not a race. Enjoy the ride!

A Recipe for Eternity

Have you ever said "That is SUCH a guy move!" or "It's a girl thing."

What makes us think or say that? Is it just how we are made?

Studies actually do show that we are biologically different. But these differences can be the ingredients to a successful relationship.

In my own relationships I have come to experience differences in males and females, as we all have. And I am thankful for them! When we embrace those differences, and use them to their potential, we can learn so much! Of course there are also difference between each individual, this is divine. Because of individual differences it is difficult, and sometimes stereotypical to pin point gender differences. But we are different. 

There is something beautiful about God's plan, and his intention of having men and women work together. From the foundation of the world he set the pattern of marriage between a man and woman. God is wisdom. Have you ever stopped to wonder at the wisdom behind gender differences? 

As I have studied Gender differences this week I have come to feel a sense of balance and amazement. Our gender differences truly bring us full circle. The lessons I have learned from both the strong men and strong women in my life, has given me a completeness I feel very strongly.

Here is a video simply with interesting biological facts. However I hope we can appreciate and contemplate some deeper meaning in gender differences. God created each of us. He created the different genders, and each individual. This was not an accident. 

Enjoy!

Gender Differences 

Dating 2.0

There is something about the world, everything is constantly in "upgrade mode"  a pattern, just like every time a new iPhone comes out, and you HAVE to have it. The world loves to redefine things.

The world even tries to redefine marriage. This has had many ripple effects on our cultural habits. 

Because Marriage is being redefined, so is dating... shocker! Makes sense though right? Today we analyzed some cool things about dating. 

So many people say dating is dead. Now a days everyone is just hanging out. I am like this, I love just chillin and flying by the seat of my pants. Is just hanging out bad? What is the difference between just hanging out and actually dating? Do you care? How is dating being redefined and how does it effect your dating experience?

Here are some really good SHORT articles. I wouldn't put them on here if they weren't worth reading! Read em!
Hanging Out Hooking up and Celestial Marriage by Bruce A. Chadwick


Here are Brother Williams 3 P's of dating

Planned: Planned ahead of time. (Not EVERY single time, we all love spontaneity, but more than not)
Paid for: Doesn't have to cost a lot of money, but costs are taken care of
Paired off: You know who you are with, and they are your focus for that time.


Now here's a cool connection...In The Family Proclamation to the World, it states the roles of a husband are to...
Provide
Preside
Protect 
What correlation can you see between each set of the three P's?

We have a natural need to feel taken care of, safe, and wanted. During exclusive dating, it is important to feel reaffirmed in these areas. It is good to see your special someone in all types of situations, good and bad, over a period of time. You learn things about someone when you see how they react to a variety of circumstances. Although no one is perfect, you learn how to handle things together. If you feel alone, or like you are carrying the bulk of the relationship... time for readjustment my friend. Remember, it shouldn't even just be 50/50. You should both be putting in 100%.

Here's another common controversy. If it's important not to pair off in an exclusive relationship too early, why do we label people as "players" when they take lots of people out at the same time? This brings us to the law of "Attachment"  There are 5 axis in attachment.

                   Know                   Trust                   Rely                 Commit                 Touch

There needs to be a balance on all of these axis. From what I've seen in relationships, once they rely on one person to be who they spend all their time with, the level of commitment goes up. Or if your have a lot of physical contact with someone, you feel more attached, but maybe you are not committed to each other. So if you are focusing on the physical part of the relationship, yet you are lacking in commitment, the trust and reliance then run low, this can lead to a rocky road!

Don't feel like a player if you want to take lots of people out to find who is right for you! But build up the important things first. Find people who catch your attention and have fun getting to know them. Attractiveness only lasts a few weeks after you find out you don't have anything in common, or you can't stand their personality. If you don't want to commit to one relationship, don't go on dates and make out and drop people. As T-swift says "Players gonna play play play play play, and haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate." Don't give the haters a reason to hate! Date right.

When you find someone who you want to be with, use the three T's.

Togetherness ( have a variety of activities)
Talk (REALLY TALK)
Time

What does Love mean? There are different levels and definitions of love. To me love is when you put someone else before yourself, because making them happy makes you happy. One of my close friends told me this when I asked him how he knew he wanted to marry his girl. "I always wanted to be with her, and if I wasn't with her I wouldn't to be doing something for her." There ya have it folks, true, selfless love.

I would love to hear thoughts, and theories if you don't agree with some of this!
If you don't want to post on the blog for the public, messaging me works great too.:)

For generations to come.

This week we discussed how sometimes family units tend to have certain patterns or trends?

Does your family have something that has been around for generations? Has your family always had a dog? Has the oldest sibling always had the most responsibility? Are the fathers work aholics?

What effects do these patterns have in your life? 

The interesting thing about family patterns is that they tend to stick around 3-4 generations.
Now I don't think we can make strong generalizations about patterns. Patterns are not forced upon us. We see both good and bad, and we choose to continue or end behaviors.The family unit shapes us and prepares us for many things to come.

 I'm a big believer that we are creatures who learn from both first and secondhand experience.

Sometimes If an older sibling makes certain lifestyle choices that are "wrong" parents can then overcorrect to make up the difference. They do everything in their power to avoid those outcomes for their other children. When hello, those children got to see the consequences very closely. They watched their older siblings go through something impactful. In most situations I think this automatically leads them to try to stop and think, and avoid going down the exact same road. Sometimes it is tricky, knowing that the younger generations idolize older people's behaviors. And sometimes it has a negative impact. Unfortunately some people don't understand something until they go through it firsthand. Experience. This is called: Life. It is how we learn, change, and grow.

Whatever the "traditions of our fathers" are, we must remember the power of the individual. Most of the time we don't get to see the immediate effects of our efforts. But given time, generations will be effected by the choices we make now. You ARE making a difference.

"The past is to be learned from, but not lived in."- Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Myths

How many of us have heard that 50% or half or marriages end in divorce? How many times have we heard that? Personally I have heard it at least 10-20 times. Have you ever wondered where that statistic comes from? Brother Williams shared with us that research actually shows that 25% of marriages end in divorce...

Today in Family Relations we discussed some really interesting myths about the family.

Common myths:

-Opposites attract.
When it comes down to it. We are more successful with people with a similar backgrounds and values/goals. Of course we are each different, but usually opposites that are extreme which attract us at first, are the things we struggle with after marriage.

-Having children Increases Marital Satisfaction.
While having a child is incredibly fulfilling, it requires new energy and time. Having a child, for most means stretching the financial belt and can cause worry. The energy and time you were able to put on your relationship is now focused on your child instead of each other. Now, having a child is amazing, can and does increase happiness for a successful couple. But many couples who are struggling think that having a baby will solve their problems. This is the side of the myth.

-Happily Married People don't have conflict.
 This one is pretty obvious right? This is why communication and problem solving come in handy. It is impossible to dodge or avoid conflict altogether. But those who can work  through them together are happy:)

(This next myth is not from my family relations class, but I think it's a good one)
-A relationship is 50/50
One of my mission Dads always told me "This is the wrong way to think about it If each of you is only willing to give 50% what happens when one of you is struggling and can't make up your part? You have to each be willing to go 100% so that when one of you is struggling, the other one is there."

So what are your thoughts about these myths? Do you think they are true? False?



   

FAML160

This Semester I am studying Family Relations where we look into the family unit: how we can contribute, what role certain factors play in relationships and development, and so on. Our teacher has invited us to blog about our findings--and I think it's awesome!

I just want to share my thoughts and why I am so passionate about The Family. I do not believe it is a coincidence that God set us up in families, and that they are the most fundamental units we are involved in. I know that we find strength in family. Sure we have struggles, but there is a gravity that pulls us together. I find joy in my family, in trying to understand each other and figure out what I can do better and how I can help them more. Life would be so boring if we didn't have all of our quirks and stupidities. We shouldn't be ashamed for being different than everybody else. We are each separate and unique for a purpose.

Together we are powerful. 

What The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints teaches us about the family.